Why I seek the love of another man while I am overwhelmed by my husband? I note that since my marriage (12 years ago) twice and without looking, I met a man. The first story lasted two years and dotted in parallel with my marriage. The second is current and special, two years too, but virtual, with a real encounter. I have to see him again soon. And the question I ask myself is: what do I really research? I know I am the only one who can answer it, but maybe you could help me? (Valerie, 36 years)
The response of Isabelle Taubes
Your letter refers to a universal problem: the complexity of human desire, linked to the contradiction between what we want to believe and what we really want. All because we have an unconscious, and that psychic place causes us to act in a way that is perplexing our conscious self. Why seek love another man while I am filled with my husband, you ask? No being, no object, is able to fill us permanently. The fact that you are happy with your husband does not mean that your unconscious desire to be truly filled. "To live is to desire, desire to stop is to die" already stated in the thirteenth century, the Catalan philosopher Raymond Lully. Freudian theory confirms his words. Feeling the lack - in fact the desire - in itself is a sign of good mental health.
From what you say, your marriage is not in danger. But it is logical that after some time a love relationship, even very satisfactory, no longer able to feed ourselves fully. Some are content with this situation, others slightly depressed without knowing why, yet others have in them a vital impulse that prompts them to seek elsewhere what they do not. In addition, a new love always has renarcissisantes virtues: it enhances our image of ourselves and in doing so we revitalizes.
What do you really looking for? As you write, you can only know. Nevertheless, we can explore some tracks. To read, you do not wish to seem totally get your daily question, everything upside down in your life. Looking really love another man? Your parallel relationship is perhaps especially a sign that you need more mental excitement, dream. Maybe you need it to repair esteem of yourself a bit lately or failing to prove that your attractiveness is intact. Perhaps also she gives you satisfaction completely different than what your partner brings.
Each relationship brings us into contact with aspirations, specific fantasies that another would not allow us to live. Each is a meeting with the parties ignored us. Our relationships with our partners are opportunities to get to know oneself. But perhaps it is time for you to think about how to renew, revive your marriage. A couple, it's a bit like a plant, it must be dealt with every day. Otherwise it decays. Why not try to experiment with new pleasures to two: the activities, outings, intimate conversations, etc ..... Instead of standing face to yourself, asking yourself what you really want, why do do your imagination to reinvent your life with your spouse?
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